Article # 9

based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

ALLOWING YOUR CHILDREN TO MAKE DECISIONS

from “Self Esteem is the Key”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

If you take a moment to reflect on the myriad decisions that you make with respect to your children in just one day, you might conclude that you, as their parent, should always make all of them. Upon reflection, you might possibly come to the conclusion that all of these decisions could conceivably be made by your children themselves. Or, you might reach the compromise stance that there are some decisions you could let your children make and some that you should make. Think about your children’s ages, maturity levels, and the decisions with which you can truly be comfortable. Take a few moments and contemplate where you stand with reference to each of your children in these areas:

1. When they get up each morning.

Can they sleep as late as they want to? Do you wake them? How many times? Do they set an alarm? What if they turn it off? Would you let them miss the bus or be late to school?

2. What they wear.

To school, to church, to play, etc.? What colors? What combinations? How short? How tight? How saggy?

3. What and whether they eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Is it okay to skip meals? Does your family eat together? Must they try everything? Must they eat vegetables? Do you have a “clean plate club”? Can the TV be on during meals?

4. How they wear their hair.

Long, short, curly, straight, spiky, braided, dreadlocks, or shaved? Highlighted, bleached, red or green?

5. Which friends they spend time with.

In day care? In play groups? At school? After school? Overnights? On weekends?

6. When they go to bed.

What time on school/work nights? Are you flexible? Is it different on weekends?

7. How they keep their bedrooms.

Should toys be put away after each time they’re used? Must the room stay neat to your standards? May they keep it however they want?

As you pondered, what did you discover about your willingness to let your children make their own decisions? Are there areas you could allow them to make more of their own decisions?

As with other issues of control, your decisions will generally be on a continuum as your children grow from infants to teenagers. It is logical that a newborn infant depends totally on the parents to make decisions. Families make decisions in newborns’ lives by feeding on schedules and setting bedtimes. There are admittedly families who allow newborns to feed “on demand” and to fall asleep whenever and wherever they want. Those infants are already making their own decisions. This approach is based on the beliefs and lifestyles of the families. There is disagreement among experts as to whether this kind of decision-making on the part of infants relates to self-esteem later in life.

However, the evidence is clear that children from toddlers on up benefit from being allowed to make choices. When we give them permission to make their own decisions and we and teach them how to make them effectively, our children become more responsible, increasingly independent, and ultimately have higher self-esteem. Conversely, if we parents make the majority of the decisions for our children and refrain from giving them opportunities to be responsible, they remain dependent on us and, as a result, their self-esteem is lower. Therefore, it is important that we, as parents, make sure that we allow our children to make as many decisions as possible for themselves. One way we parents can make this workable is to design “closed choices”. That is, we offer two or three possibilities from which our children can choose. That way, the children feel some control, learn decision-making, and boost their self-esteem, while we know we can live with whatever choices they make. An example would be to offer your four-year old the choice of wearing her red, blue, or yellow shirt. The important factor is that we parents accept the choices our children make. After having given a range of acceptable choices, we should never go back at our children and force a different choice by saying something like, “Oh, no, you should have picked this.”

So that our children make decisions wisely, it is important that we teach them decision-making skills. In one model, the steps are:

1. Define the issue.

2. List several possible choices.

3. Determine the positive and negative aspects of each choice.

4. Decide which makes sense for you at this time.

5. Make the choice.

6. Do it.

7. Evaluate whether it was a good choice.

For example, the issue is that your eighth grade son is in a quandary because he has a science project due the day after tomorrow, he hasn’t finished it, and his friends want him to go with them to a movie tonight. He lists the possible choices and then he determines the positive and negative outcomes of each.

Choices Outcomes Positive / Negative

Do the project quickly this afternoon in time to go with his friends tonight.
+ The project would be done. He could relax. He’d get to do both.
- He might do a sloppy job. He might make a bad grade. Then his parents would be mad. He might not make Honor Roll.

Do the project tomorrow night.
+ He could go to the movie today. He could still get the project done tomorrow.
- He might get even more homework tomorrow and not have time. An emergency could come up.

Decide not to do the project at all.
+ He could go to the movie with his friends.
- He’d be sure to get a zero and that would bring his grade down. His parents would really be mad. He’d be off the Honor Roll for sure.

Decide not to go to the movie.
+ He’d have time to do a good job on the project tonight and tomorrow if he needed it.
- He’d miss the movie. He wouldn’t have fun. His friends might not like him anymore. He might miss seeing a girl he’s been wanting to see.

Convince his friends to go to the movie after the project is turned in.
+ He could do the project and still see the movie.
- His friends might disagree and get mad. They might think he was selfish

Then he makes his decision: he decides to go to the movie tonight and do the project tomorrow. After going to the movie, he finds that he has time the next day so he completes the project. When he evaluates his decision, he decides that his choice was a good one this time. He recognizes that it was risky because he could have gotten more homework to do or some emergency could have come up. It worked for this time.

When children are as young as three or four, they can use this process on simple choices such as what cereal to eat or which clothes to wear. As elementary age students, they can use it to decide what activity to do or which assignment to complete first. As they become older and progress through high school, the child’s use of this decision-making process becomes more sophisticated and complicated. Decisions become more important to their life such as, which peer group to spend time with, what their appearance will be, what study habits they’ll have, and what plans they’ll make for after high school, but the basic process remains the same.

Parents who believe in allowing their children to make decisions then serve as resources or facilitators. They provide information when it’s needed. They answer questions when they are asked. They realize that children need love, encouragement, and support but they also need to experience life for themselves. Sometimes it’s clearly “hard” for the children, and it’s difficult for a parent to stand back and simply observe. But, when children feel the satisfaction of knowing they can handle responsibility well and they see that they can manage their own lives, they feel a sense of pride that leads to solid self-esteem.

So, as soon as your children can understand the decision-making process, teach it to them and then have the courage to stand back and let them make their own decisions. After all, that is what our role as parents is all about: preparing them to be responsible, independent, fully-functioning adults with high self-esteem.

It’s time for you to decide to let your children make more decisions for themselves!

NOTE: Barbara-Lynn will be joining Chris and Kimberly every Wednesday morning at 6:30 on WXII-12 for “Raising Your Kids”.

If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.