Article # 7

based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE EACH CHILD AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!

from “Self Esteem is the Key”,

Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves and high self-esteem is critical to success in life for both children and adults. The self-esteem of children begins to be formed when they are born and their parents or guardians play the greatest role in the development of that self-esteem. Especially in the younger years, caregivers, by their words and actions, have great influence on how children feel about themselves.

The underlying reality is that we parents must respect each of our children as an individual. First, we must understand the stages of child development. That helps us know what to expect and we set goals our children can realistically meet. For example, even though it is normal for a four-year-old to wet his bed, a mother might think that he is too old to do that. So, when he does wet, she might yell at him and that lowers his self-esteem. If we have knowledge of child development, we don’t have to be so anxious. We see that our children are normal and right on schedule so we can be positive with them, thus beginning the process of building self-esteem.

Therefore, go to your local library or bookstore and get a book on child development and study it. There are many excellent ones. There is a series by Louise Bates Ames, Frances l. Ilg, and Carol Chase Haber that is particularly good. It is from the Gesell Institute and has separate books about children at each age.

We must look for those special characteristics that make each of our children unique. Even thought we may see an occasional trait we observe in ourselves, we shouldn’t expect our children to be repeat versions of us. By the influences of their special gene combination and their particular environment, they can only be themselves. We must treasure that uniqueness.

Resist the temptation to compare one of your children to anyone else, especially to a brother or sister. Comparisons hurt the day they’re made and often well into the future. Instead of saying to John, “Your brother Michael is much neater that you are,” leave Michael out of it and just say, “I wish you would keep your room neater.” Don’t turn around right after that while John is listening and say something like, “Michael, your room looks very neat.” Even though it praises Michael, it is a comparison too. Surprisingly, this also applies to positives such as saying to Rosa, “You can run much faster than your sister Maria.” Don’t talk about Maria, just say to Rosa, “You are a fast runner.” Any comparisons set your children up for sibling rivalry and self-esteem issues.

In addition to avoiding comparisons, we should be sure there is something that each one of our children can do that the others can’t do well or don’t even try to do. Sports possibilities are playing basketball, baseball, football, soccer, lacrosse, gymnastics, swimming, diving, tennis, golf and so forth. Other choices might be making mechanical repairs, designing and building things, playing a musical instrument, doing crafts, singing, cooking, sewing, writing, and so forth. Whatever it is, the important element is that your children feel proud of the skills they have and that their brothers or sisters are not likely to “steal their glory”.

The other preliminary to implementing specific strategies to boost children’s self-esteem is to be certain, just as medical doctors vow, to “do no harm”. Unfortunately, many parents do great harm verbally without intending to do so. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Don’t believe it. Words do hurt. Parents often say things to their children like: “You act like you have no sense at all!”, “What in the world are you thinking about?”, “I can’t believe anybody can be so stupid!”, “Can’t you do anything right?”, “Why don’t you act your age?”, “When are you going to grow up?”, “How many times do I have to tell you?”, “You’re more trouble than you’re worth!”, or “Sit down and shut up!”

It is easy to understand how frustrated and angry parents can get. It is easy to understand how those thoughts can come into a parent’s mind. But it is very important that we parents think twice before letting those words come out of our mouths. Verbal attacks like that damage self-esteem at the time and they often hurt years later.

In conclusion, parents who understand the importance of helping their children have high self-esteem must begin by respecting each child as an individual. They must also make a conscious effort not to not make negative comments out of frustration or anger. Once those two priorities are established, parents can and should move on to specific ways they can improve the self-esteem of their children. Article number eight in this series will address two of those specific ways: praising efforts toward a goal, and providing opportunities for your children to feel success. So, parents, do your homework as outlined in this article and get yourself ready for two positive suggestions next week. Best wishes as you work to be a successful parent!

NOTE: Barbara-Lynn will be joining Chris and Kimberly every Wednesday morning at 6:30 on WXII-12 for “Raising Your Kids”.

If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.