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based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids” Aired on WXII-12 Wednesday, March 17, 2004 SO WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM AND WHO NEEDS IT FIRST? from “Self Esteem is the Key”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. When you are happy with who you are, you’re more likely to be successful in whatever you do. Children with high self-esteem perform better in school. In fact, research has shown that a child with a lower I.Q., but higher self-esteem may do even better in school than a child with a higher I.Q. but lower self-esteem. Think of the implications of that! No parent ever takes that precious child in his/her arms and says, “I’m going to destroy your self-esteem.” But, it happens. Parents play the most important role in the development of self-esteem in their children so we must be sure we are doing things that build, and don’t destroy, self-esteem. Before we parents can even begin to talk about ways to help our children, we must first check ourselves out. It’s like the message flight attendants give us when we receive our instructions: “In the unlikely event that we lose cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall down from above. Place the mask over your head and secure with the elastic band. If you are traveling with a child or someone who needs assistance, be sure to place your own mask on before helping them.” Along the same lines, we parents must be sure our own self-esteem is high and evident so that we can then concern ourselves with the self-esteem of our children. Parents with low self-esteem often find it difficult, if not impossible, to put aside their own needs and focus on their children who need them. They might even use their children to try to build up their self-esteem, which can be damaging. We parents will make mistakes and we must be able to admit them to our children. That kind of modeling is, perhaps, the strongest kind of teaching. At the same time, however, to be effective parents, we must come across as confident and in control. We must be able to set limits for our children’s behavior and then go the extra mile in sticking to those limits. When our self-esteem is shaky, we question ourselves and it shows. Children will not only take advantage of us, but they will feel insecure because they won’t have the limits that all children want and need. Their world can be a very scary place with unpredictable outcomes and no limits. So, how can you, as an adult, determine if you have low self-esteem? You may have low self-esteem if: . q you think you are unattractive physically. q you think you are less intelligent than everyone around you. q you think your ideas have no merit. q you think you are a clumsy klutz. q you feel totally out of synch with everyone else. q you constantly compare yourself to the others around you and you consistently come up short. q you are afraid to try anything new for fear of failure. q you find it difficult to praise others because it just magnifies your own shortcomings in your eyes. q when you do make a mistake, you quit because it seems hopeless. All of these can be signs that your self-esteem is not what it should be. Keep in mind that our sense of self-worth can fluctuate from day to day and from situation to situation. We may feel totally comfortable and secure in our group of friends, but, when we go into the workplace, our self-esteem seems to disappear. Self-esteem is that underlying, more constant feeling we have about ourselves. When we parents or guardians determine that we have low self-esteem and are ready to do something about it, what can we do? There are many specific steps that can be taken. A support system of some kind is vital such as adult family or friends. Church-sponsored groups such as services, Sunday School, or circles can be helpful. Joining or even forming a support group of some kind can be significant in establishing self-esteem in adults. It may be a purely social group such as a “Girl’s Night Out” or one that is focused on having or supporting a person who has an illness such as cancer, heart, or alcohol problems. Another way to improve our own self-esteem is setting personal attainable goals and then working day by day to reach them. Examples of this are walking, planting flowers, or even cleaning out sections of our home, little by little. Yet another way to build our own self-esteem is to develop a skill. It doesn’t have to be major. Something like knitting, building something out of wood, learning to play a sport, playing a musical instrument, or even organizing our lives are some possibilities. Probably the most effective way to feel good about ourselves is to look beyond our own skin and find ways to help others. There is real satisfaction in knowing you have helped others in their journey toward happiness and high self-esteem. In conclusion, before we parents can begin to concern ourselves with self-esteem in our children, we must examine ourselves with a magnifying glass. We must take every step possible to ensure that we truly feel good about who we are. As parents, we’ll need every drop of it! NOTE: Barbara-Lynn will be joining Chris and Kimberly every Wednesday morning at 6:30 on WXII-12 for “Raising Your Kids”. If you
have comments, questions, or would like to share your best
parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail
Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting. |
