Article # 21

Based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

DISCIPLINE IS TEACHING: TIME OUT

from “Discipline Makes the Difference”, Part Three of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

For many parents, the discipline method known as “Time Out” has been extremely effective. Other parents say they have tried Time Out and it has not worked for them. It is true that various strategies don’t work with certain children on some occasions. However, before we parents give up on using Time Out, let’s be sure we are using it correctly.

The goals of Time Out are to teach our children to calm themselves when they have strong outbursts and to stop unacceptable behavior. Besides offering a break, Time Out gives children an opportunity immediately after undesirable behavior to think about what they have just done and to consider other options they might have had for the next time that situation arises. The depth of that thinking, of course, will depend on the age of the child.

Time Out is an excellent method of discipline, particularly for younger children. It is generally recommended for children, ages two until about twelve. Depending on the individual child, it may be difficult or inappropriate to implement after about the age of ten.

The Time Out location should be a boring, silent place where there is no traffic and where the children will miss out on the “fun” activities that are happening. Younger children, in particular, do, however, need to be in a place where we parents can keep an eye on them. That requires that we are willing to take time away from our own activities to supervise this strategy in a not-too-obvious way. If children can see or participate in activities in the home or hear a television or radio, there is stimulation, so that is not boring enough. We must also be sure that we do not communicate with them.

Therefore, all we need is a chair, a timer or clock, a corner or wall, and a bit of our time. Remember the cartoons of Dennis the Menace in his rocking chair facing the corner? As fanciful as that may seem, that scenario usually will work if done correctly. The two biggest mistakes we parents make are:
1. The location is not boring and therefore not undesirable enough
2. We don’t supervise sufficiently so the children may misbehave and not face the full impact of the boring, pensive time

The third error we parents often make is deciding on a Time Out period that is too long. The recommended time for Time Out is one minute for every year of age; that is, a three-year-old would stay for three minutes; an eight-year-old would stay for eight minutes, and so forth. What we want to teach our children is that they must be in control before being with other people in society. If a child has “served the time” for the original wrongdoing, but is still not ready to return to the family or playmates, you can suggest that the child go to a private place, such as an empty room, to calm down. Remember, the greater number of decisions we let our children make for themselves, the more likely they are to reach the goal of self-control. Depending on each child’s level of maturity, we may find that we want to let the child decide when to come out. If we are not comfortable with letting the child decide, we can make the decision as to when the child is ready to rejoin the group.

Time Out also does not mean sending our children to their rooms for long periods of time, such as for the rest of the afternoon. That strategy is more a form of grounding and it may well have its place as a disciplinary tool for teenagers, but it is not Time Out.

So, how should we implement Time Out? First, at a time when there are no problems, we should explain the process to the child. This is very important!

Here are the basic steps, written in the way that we would tell them to our children:
1. I will take you to the time-out place.
2. You will sit down in the chair.
3. As soon as you get quiet, I’ll start the timer.
4. If you make noise, I’ll start the timer again.
5. When the timer rings, I’ll come. I’ll let you out of time out.
6. If you’re not yet in control, you will go to someplace private until you’re calm enough to come out.

Sometimes we do have to start the timer several times before the child finally decides to settle down. This can be very frustrating. We shouldn’t give up! The process will usually work if we parents are willing to stick it out. It is important that we remain PATIENT, CALM, FIRM, AND MATTER-OF-FACT.

Remember, discipline is teaching our children the lessons they need to help them to be socially responsible today and to grow into mature, responsible, self-disciplined adults. Time Out is a discipline strategy that can help them learn to calm themselves, think about what they have just done, and decide what would be a better choice. The bonus is, it also gives the parents a chance to do the same!