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DISCIPLINE
IS TEACHING: SPANKING In our society today, spanking is a common method of discipline. Parents who use it believe that it will teach children the lessons they need to learn. Today’s parents cite, “Our parents used spanking on us and therefore, it is a good method to use with our own children.” Unfortunately, often the problems many adults have stem from the parenting we were given as children. If we were spanked, there may be many negative effects that this form of punishment had on us, even if we are not aware of what the problems are. Many parents say, “If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for my children”. We prefer to think that since we turned out great, the methods our parents used must have been okay. The problem is that there are numerous reasons we should not use spanking as our main method of discipline. Probably the biggest reason that spanking is ill conceived is that we are modeling the concept that aggression is the way to handle problems. Spanking teaches our children that there are times where it is okay to hurt others and we are likely to see evidence of that in their relationships with peers, spouses, and their own children. If we spank a child regularly, we make that child very angry and then they are more likely to take that anger out on others. Spanking, particularly when done in the heat of the moment, is more like “whooping up on”, “getting back at”, or “coming down on” our children than it is teaching them. Unfortunately, sometimes spanking occurs because we parents need to vent and we take it out on our children without thinking about the long and short-term repercussions. Our society already demonstrates an overabundance of anger from movies, television shows, video games and on our neighborhood street corners. We don’t need to add to that anger by creating it in our homes. Our homes should be the islands where calm and respectful ways of teaching and getting along with each other are the norm. Of course children will make mistakes and parents will have to find ways to teach them lessons. But, those methods don’t have to be physically aggressive or demeaning. Another problem with spanking is that it may even pave the way to abuse. It could easily happen that we would spank mildly hard the first time, slightly harder the second time, even harder the third, and so forth until we are hitting way too hard. Some parents are a bit like alcoholics when it comes to spanking. Just as alcoholics simply can’t take even one “little” drink without it leading to more serious drinking behavior, some parents are not capable of spanking “just a little’. For them, even spanking once can lead to abuse and that is never acceptable. Another related problem of using spanking as a means of discipline is that when our children get older and larger than we are, it will be impossible to spank them and we will have developed no other effective methods of discipline. Other reasons not to spank have to do with its efficacy. It just doesn’t simply work for the long term. While it may stop the problem we’re having with our children at that moment, as soon as we parents turn our backs, our children will probably misbehave again because they have no inner controls. We are literally teaching them to behave only when someone in a position of authority is watching. That is a lower level of moral development and it certainly does not lead to our second goal of discipline, that of self-discipline. These are the children who get out of their seats, throw paper or food, participate in fights, and steal when the teacher isn’t looking. They become the adults who cheat on taxes, lie to their spouses, or misbehave like by speeding if they think there is not a police officer nearby. These children may become adults who think any behavior is okay as long as they don’t get caught. Remember, discipline is teaching and spanking does not teach the lessons we want them to learn. When we use spanking, our children don’t behave consistently in socially acceptable ways nor do they learn self-control and self-discipline. When carried to the point that children are spanked over and over again for every infraction of the rules or whenever the parent is just angry, spanking becomes meaningless in teaching lessons. Our children will most likely not even remember what it was they did wrong, just that their parent hit them yet again. Most likely, they will believe that it was not fair and that their parents are mean. They will argue with their parents and the parent/child relationship will be distant and lacking in trust. These children will often plot ways to get back at their parents. In so doing, they will sneak around their parents. None of this will lead to the warm, trusting loving relationship we parents dream of with our children. Parents must keep in mind that it is impossible to cause pain and increase a child’s self-esteem concurrently. The message we send to a child when we spank them is that they are bad. If we spank them often enough, they will come to believe that they are bad, worthless, or unlovable and then will act that out to prove that we are right. Thus begins a downward cycle. Consequently, this low self-esteem can become a reason for failure in life. Again, discipline is teaching. Effective parents have several different methods that can be utilized at various times and situations for each child. If spanking is the only method we parents have in our repertoires, there will be problems. There are parents who believe that the occasional use of a swat or a spanking to teach about life-threatening situations such as running out in the street or very dangerous situations such as touching a flaming stove is the most effective means of teaching critical lessons. Each of us parents must make our own decisions. In conclusion, we parents should think long and hard before using spanking as our main method of discipline. This clearly does not mean we have to be pushovers and let our children run wild. We can be very firm in using natural consequences, logical consequences, behavior modification and other methods. If we parents spank, we’re playing with fire and our children may be damaged for the present and in the future. Becoming more knowledgeable about alternatives that work and have fewer risks is the homework each of us parents should do. By using other safe and effective methods, we don’t have to take all those risks that accompany spanking. It’s time to break the cycle of spanking today.
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