 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
DISCIPLINE IS TEACHING: BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION from “Discipline Makes the Difference”, Part Three of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting Behavior modification is a method of discipline that is based on the idea that if people act in a certain way, and then soon after, they get something they like, they’ll act that way more often. So, if we want our children to behave in a specific way, we should make sure they get something that pleases them just after they do what we want them to do. There are various positives we can offer. The simplest is that we can give smiles, winks, thumbs up signs, okay signs, pats on the back, hugs, or kisses. We can also praise them when they do something right. These all involve “catching them being good”. For example, if your daughter cleared her dishes from the table, you might smile, wink, give her the thumbs up, or say, “Thank you for clearing the table”. You might just acknowledge that she did it without the “Thank you” by saying in a warm, positive way, “You cleared the table.” That lets her know that you noticed and that you were pleased. Children also like privileges that don’t even cost us money. We can give them permission to stay up late, stay out late, have a friend come over, watch a special TV show, or have someone read them a story. On the other hand, children do appreciate items that do cost us money such as toys, games, sweets, CDs, going to a movie, or just cold, hard cash. The important factor is that we identify positive ways of rewarding our children for the right things they do and integrate those behaviors into our parenting style. Then our children will know that by behaving according to our expectations, they’ll get the positive reactions, privileges, and even material objects they want. That will make them more likely to behave the way we want them to. An example from our adult world will illustrate this point. Imagine that you are Mr. Jones’ administrative assistant. Every time Mr. Jones sees a sample of your work, he smiles at you. You are likely to continue to produce the kind of work that elicits this smile from your boss. If he also offered you the afternoon off because of the spectacular job you did on a project, wouldn’t you be likely to knock yourself out on the next project? Certainly earning a bonus by doing excellent work would be an incentive to keep functioning at your best! It works the same way with our children regardless of their age. They will be the most motivated to behave the way we want them to when they feel acknowledged, appreciated, and respected. We parents must be certain that the rewards, whether subtle like smiles and hugs or overt like privileges and presents, must be viewed as desirable by each individual child. Tasha might be thrilled to go to a ballet recital, but her brother Jamal might gag at the thought and find going to an adventure movie much more enticing. If our rewards are the wrong ones for a certain child, they will actually have the opposite effect we intended. If your fourteen-year-old boy does not want to have his friends see him hugged by a parent, (and you can be pretty sure he won’t!) it certainly would not be reinforcing to hug him after you see that he mowed the lawn. He’d probably think twice before ever mowing that lawn again! The use of behavior modification thus far involves a one-time use of a reward. It’s part of a positive parenting style that should become automatic and constant. We can also apply this concept to a system of behavior modification by using charts to keep track of the everyday expectations we have for our children. Some companies make elaborate versions of charts, but you can also just make one yourself. These charts can be very simple and use pictures so that a preschooler can understand them or they can be typed in words and include more mature expectations for older children. As children move into their teens, they usually resist the formal use of these charts. For some children who still require structure, however, they can remain helpful. To make one of these charts, list the behaviors you expect of your child in a day’s time. Keep it as simple as possible. Then make a grid next to it with boxes for each day of the week. The chart will be filled in according to what the child did or did not do. Some parents think it is best if they mark the chart and others give that responsibility to the child. The boxes can be marked with a writing instrument or stickers can be placed in the boxes. For very young children, it’s a good idea that the box be marked as soon as possible so that the reinforcement is immediate. Then we should offer a reward at the end of each day so that our children make an instant connection between this reward and their good behavior. An excellent reward at the end of the day would be to read an extra story to them before they go to sleep. Another might be to play a short game with them. Each parent must decide what the criteria is for an end-of-the-day reward and what would be the best reward for that child on that particular day. Let’s say you want your five-year-old son to make his bed, brush his teeth, get himself dressed, clear his dinner dishes, and get his pajamas on each day either with no reminder or at least by the first time you ask. That makes a possibility of five correct behaviors per day. You may decide that he must do all five to get the reward. Or, you may decide that four out of five is sufficient. You have to know your child, your own expectations, and any special circumstances that exist. Keep in mind, however, that consistency is very important! For elementary school age children, it is a good idea to continue acknowledging correct behavior as soon as possible after it happens, but instead of an everyday reward, you can probably make it a once-a-week reward because six to eleven-year-olds are usually capable of delayed. |
