Article # 18

Based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. On “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, June 9, 2004

DISCIPLINE IS TEACHING: LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

from “Discipline Makes the Difference”, Part Three of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

Discipline is teaching. It’s teaching our children to be socially responsible and to demonstrate self-discipline. The previous article described the use of natural consequences to teach lessons. Sometimes there is no obvious natural consequence or the natural consequence might be too costly or dangerous for a parent to allow it to happen. In those cases, another choice parents have when disciplining their children (teaching the lessons they need to learn) is to use logical consequences.

These are similar to natural consequences in that they show a child the result of his or her actions. However, they are not just what “Mother Nature” might indicate, they are what happens when parents decide on a certain action that fits what children did that was wrong so that they will learn not to do that again. The key is that logical consequences are based on facts, clear rational thought, and sensible reasoning. Using this technique is a bit more difficult than using natural consequences because parents have to come up with a course of action that makes sense and on which they’re willing to follow through.

For example, let’s say your ten-year-old boy has been told not to play with a baseball inside his grandmother’s house. But, he does it anyway and breaks her flower vase. There might be several possible logical consequences:
1. He could clean up the mess and apologize to his grandmother.
2. He could glue the vase back together.
3. He could use his own money to replace the vase if a replacement can be found. If he doesn’t have any money, he could do chores for the family or in the neighborhood until he has earned enough money to replace it. It is best if the child can actually go to the store to purchase the new vase and then present it himself to his grandmother.

Each of these possibilities is logical. Each makes sense. The “crime” fits the “punishment”, so to speak. Because of that, the lesson will be remembered. There is a clear connection like a stimulus and a response.

The alternatives of preaching, yelling, ridiculing, shaming, and blaming do not have the same learning effect because of two reasons:
1. Our children have heard us do all of those so many times before that they just tune us out.
2. There is no connection between the mistake they made and what happened to them, so when they begin to do that wrong action the next time, it does not trigger the lesson that we tried to teach.

One problem parents of teens often face is that the teens come in past curfew. Logical consequences are a perfect strategy to use to teach the lesson that it is important to come in on time. There are several options. Let’s say your teenage daughter comes in thirty minutes late after going out with her school friends to a party at a neighbor’s house. There are several ways you could apply logical consequences:
1. She could be required to come in the same thirty minutes earlier the next time she goes out.
2. She could be restricted from going out with that same group of school friends for some period of time.
3. She could be restricted from going to the home of the teen that gave the party for some period of time.
4. She could be confined to your home or property for some period of time. This is usually referred to as “grounding”. The privileges she retains depend on the parents’ preferences. Some parents still allow guests to come into the home and some do not. Some still allow phone, e-m, or i-m privileges while others shut the child off completely for the period of the grounding. Some curtail the watching of television and some do not. Setting each of these parameters is up to the individual family.

Any of these would be connected to the fact that she came in late after being out with her friends and would therefore be a strong way to teach the lesson that if she goes out with friends, she has to be home on time. Again, it is far more effective than just yelling, preaching or selecting random consequences that have nothing to do with what she did.

There are three mistakes parents often make in the use of logical consequences:
1. The consequence they use is not really connected to the behavior such as, “You ate the cake we were having for dessert, so go to your room.” What does one have to do with the other? Baking a new cake or providing a new dessert and missing one’s own dessert would be a more logical consequence.
2. They make the period of time the child is restricted way too long. Teenagers love being in touch with their friends even more than breathing, so even couple to a few days usually has a great impression. Except in rare instances, a week is plenty. A month is way too long. That only leads to anger and the lesson is lost in the furor.
3. They fail to supervise the consequence and it becomes meaningless. It is difficult because it may cause a great imposition o the parents, but it is important. For instance, if your seventeen year-old got a speeding ticket and you have decided to deny your child the use of a car but he must get to school or to a job, somebody needs to be prepared to give up the time to take the child or find a way for the child to get there. If we are going to impose a logical consequence, we had better be ready to make it stick. We should say what we mean and mean what we say!

Another example with a younger child would be if your four-year-old leaves her toys all over the kitchen floor after you have asked her to put them away. Some logical consequences would be:
1. You put the toys in a box, basket, closet, or attic and give them back one at a time as she shows she’ll put them away when asked.
2. You make all of them “disappear” by hiding them for a day or two, and then give them all back with instructions to be sure to put them away as soon as she is asked or the toys will again be taken.
3. An extreme method would be for you to give a warning and then if it happens again, give the toys away to needy children.

Using logical consequences does require some creativity and some time and energy on the part of us parents, but it is worth it because it effectively teaches our children lessons in behaving in socially acceptable ways and in becoming mature, responsible adults.