 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
DISCIPLINE IS TEACHING: NATURAL CONSEQUENCES from “Discipline Makes the Difference”, Part Three of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting Discipline is teaching. It’s teaching our children to be socially responsible and to demonstrate self-discipline. One very effective method of discipline is to allow natural consequences to teach the lessons of life. This means that we let our children live with the results of what they did. The key to making this method work is simply that we parents must not rescue our children from their own poor decisions. We let them deal with the results even if it is difficult for them and for us. Ever since our children were infants, we’ve been there to pave the way and to protect them. It’s uncomfortable for us to see our children struggle. So, in an effort to make their lives easier and more pleasant, we fix the problems that arise when they make poor choices. When we do that, we eliminate the powerful teaching that could take place. By not allowing our children to learn from their own mistakes, we often take away the very spark that allowed us to meet our own challenges and to mature. We need to be strong enough to let our children learn for themselves. For example, your daughter plays on a softball team where the coach insists that a clean uniform be worn for each game. You have told your daughter to place her dirty uniform in the laundry hamper after each game so that you can wash it with the rest of the laundry. However, she leaves it on the floor. What should you do? The answer is nothing. You should do absolutely nothing. You should avoid the temptation to pick up the uniform and add it to the laundry. It may not seem like a big deal, but taking care of it yourself is taking away a perfect opportunity for natural consequences to teach a lesson in responsibility. Your child then has a couple of choices. She can either figure out how to wash the uniform herself before the next game and then take the time to do that (which will probably be no fun) or she can wear it to the next game dirty and risk that the coach will tell her she can’t play. Either way, she will be embarrassed. If she is a talented player, there may also be the dimension that the team may lose the game because she isn’t playing. The sting of the guilt of that consequence is sure to have a long-lasting impression, much longer than having a parent yell or preach at her. One common way we parents rescue our children from facing natural consequences is to take them something they have forgotten such as their lunch or a homework assignment. Certainly, if was our fault, we might feel we should make up for it by helping the child and making it right. If it is the first time or if there was an unusual situation for the child, we may decide that it is okay to rescue them “just this once”. It becomes a problem when we continue to do the same rescuing over and over again. All we are teaching our children then is, “Mom or Dad will remember for me and I don’t have to learn to be responsible.” That is not the goal of good discipline. It can be heart wrenching if our children beg us or cry because they want us to rescue them, but if we can be strong, the lesson will be learned and we are less likely to have to face that same problem again. Most schools have a back up plan for children who don’t bring or can’t pay for their lunches whereby they get something nutritious even if it is not as desirable as what they might have had if they had remembered. Even if that isn’t the case, missing one meal will not cause permanent damage and may go a long way in teaching a permanent lesson. One zero may hurt the child’s average in one class, but it may save many zeroes on down the child’s educational road. In the long run, it’s worth it. Natural consequences are appropriate for many situations, but not for all occasions. If a situation could be life threatening, we parents would not want to subject our children to that danger. For example, we may have told our teenager repeatedly to check his gas gauge on the car before going out. If he ran out of gas on an lonely stretch on highway or in a treacherous neighborhood, we probably would not choose that time to use natural consequences and have him walk home. Another method of discipline such as logical consequences (See Article 18) might be more appropriate for teaching that lesson.
In real life, we adults learn the most powerful lessons by
facing the natural consequences of our actions. If we oversleep,
we will probably be late to work and we run the risk of losing
our jobs. If we spend too much money before payday, we may
go into debt. Those are both natural consequences. In helping
our children prepare for the lives they’ll live as adults,
allowing natural consequences to occur can be just the powerful
teaching tool we are seeking!
|
