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based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids” Aired on WXII-12 Wednesday, May 26, 2004 DISCIPLINE IS TEACHING from “Discipline Makes the Difference”, Part Three of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting - Parenting is tough, very tough, in numerous ways. We parents: - Are constantly exhausted. - Worry about our children's possible involvement with drugs, sex, or the law. - Struggle to get our children to behave. - Feel upset much of the time because our children don't cooperate with us. - Dislike the tension and arguments in our homes. - Fret about how are children will "turn out" as adults. - Feel as if our families don't appreciate all we do for them. When children run the house, parents are upset, poor choices are made, and routine turns to chaos. Also, children have an unsettled feeling that parents don’t really care about them. They want the safety of limits and controls. They’ll constantly push at these limits to make sure they are firm. Children want approval, love, and the security of knowing that their parents are in control and that they are safe. Parents want children to behave the right way so that life will be peaceful now and so that children will grow up to be happy, successful adults. Let’s imagine a home where our children behave the way we want them to. What if they cooperated more often and the arguments were fewer? Wouldn’t that make our lives happier and easier? To accomplish this, discipline is very important. Discipline is teaching our children to behave in socially acceptable ways so they’ll be able to get along with other people. It is teaching our children self-control so that they can be as successful as possible in their youth and as adults. Discipline is not “whooping up on”, “getting back at”, or “coming down on!” It is not simply deciding which punishment to use in a certain situation. It is deciding which method will best teach the lesson that needs to be taught. All of our discipline should be based on LOVE. A major part of loving is showing respect. Perhaps we remember if our parents barked orders at us such as, “Make your bed!” , “Get dressed!” , “Brush your teeth!” or “Clean up the bathroom!”. It probably made us angry or degraded. The first step in disciplining, then, is showing respect for our children. There are several ways we can do this: Show respect for our children’s privacy by knocking on their bedroom door when we want to enter and waiting for their response. This may seem like a small act, but it sends a big message. It shows respect and it models how we want them to behave toward us and other adults now and in the future. Treat them as individuals who have special needs and talents. Let them know, in every way possible, that we value their opinions. Ask them how they feel about doing a particular activity or spending time with specific people. Initiate discussions about current events and really listen to what they have to say. Respect their privacy by asking first if it is all right to go into their backpacks, dresser drawers, and closets. That said, if we parents do have a bona fide reason for suspecting that our children may be in serious trouble, it might be necessary to check out these areas spite of the fact that it violates privacy The second step in discipline is to establish clear expectations. Often it is the parent who causes the problem because the rules, requests, and expectations are not made perfectly clear. We need to be sure we make them clear for two reasons: First, we want things to work our right. Second, sure as the world, our kids will try to weasel out of trouble, claiming that we never told them something. We need to be sure that can’t happen. So, we need to make sure we have explained exactly what we expect, exactly what will happen if our children do what we want and exactly what will happen if they do not do what we want. Good communication is the basis for good discipline. Once this foundation of respect is established and we have made our expectations perfectly clear, we can look to what methods of discipline we’ll use to teach the lessons our children need to learn. There are many methods of discipline that are effective. Each parent is unique and our situations change. Each child is unique and children change as they grow. We parents need to be ready to use a variety of different discipline techniques at different points in time. Nothing works every time or for too long. Each of us must do what we believe is right for our children. If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.
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