Article # 14

based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Communication is important

WHEN OUR CHILDREN HAVE PROBLEMS, WE SHOULD LISTEN ACTIVELY

from “Communication is Crucial”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

In the last article, we discussed what to do when we as the parents are the ones who are bothered by a situation with our children. Now, let’s look at the opposite situation: when the problem belongs to our children. Something has gone wrong for them and they need and would appreciate our understanding.

This is when we parents really need to be good listeners. Our goal should be to be sure our children know that we have listened to them and that, in so far as is possible, we understand what they are going through. We need to use all the skills we talked about in Article 2, “Step Two: How to be a Good Receiver of Messages”, plus, we need to try to figure out what feelings our children are having. Then we must let them know that we see what it is like for them. Dr. Thomas Gordon, in his book Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), called this skill “active listening”.

For example, let’s say your eighteen-year old daughter is upset when she comes home from college. Using your best listening skills and watching for her feelings, you figure out that she’s afraid she failed her geometry class. So, in a kind, gentle, and sincere manner, you say something like one of these:

"You’re worried that you didn’t do well on your Geometry final."

"I’m wondering if you’re scared you might have made an 'F' in your math class."

"Are you afraid that you blew it on the math final and that you won't pass?"

She’ll probably begin to let her feelings out, but if she hesitates, you might add: "Am I right?"

Any of those would allow her to talk about her feelings. Many of us parents will say something like:

"Oh, I’m sure you did just fine!"

That will sound pretty lame to her. How could you know that anyway? We often say things like that to reassure someone, but it’s not very reassuring when your child knows there is a good chance that she did, in fact, fail the class.

Launching into a story about the time you or someone you know failed a class probably won’t help her feel much better either. At that moment, she really doesn’t care about what happened to you decades ago. It won’t help her to learn from your experience as much as you think it will.

Questioning her about whether and how she studied for the test may be helpful later, but not now. Preaching about what she should have done and how disappointed you are will definitely not help. It will stop the conversation cold. Remember, your goal should be to help her talk about the problem and work through her feelings.

Active listening usually works with any age child and even the adults in our lives. For example, your four-year-old is trying to put a puzzle together. Your child angrily says:

"I can’t do it!"

You figure out that your child is frustrated. Therefore, active listening responses would be:

"That puzzle is really hard for you."

"It seems like you’ll never get it."

"You’re feeling mad because you can’t figure it out."

"It’s not much fun when it’s so hard."

Any one of these could help the child begin to express his feelings. Then your task is to keep the conversation going by using good listening skills and continuing to show that you understand. Yet another example would be if your ten-year old is sitting on the front steps, head in hands, when you walk up. The child sadly says:

"Why didn’t I make that foul shot???"

You quickly figure out that your child is feeling dejected and guilty because the team lost the game and your child feels responsible. So you say something like:

"It feels crummy that your team lost."

"You’re thinking it was your fault that the team lost the game."

"Are you feeling that it was your fault your team lost the game?"

"You’re wishing you were a better foul shooter."

Chances are good that our children will respond to statements like these and then we’re off into productive conversations. If we continue using active listening responses, our children will get their uncomfortable feelings out and will probably begin to work out their problems.

It is amazing to see what a little active listening can do. Our children can “get over” their upset, come up with a rational explanation, or come to a solution for what to do for themselves. Often it can be within just a few minutes. Later, when the feelings are diffused and the children have had time to think and act, there might be good times to dissect the problem and what could be done next time. Remember, it is usually best when people figure things out for themselves rather than being told what to do. Active listening promotes that.

If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.