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based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids” Aired on WXII-12 Wednesday, May 5, 2004 Communication is Important WHEN OUR CHILDREN ARE BOTHERING US, WE SHOULD LET THEM KNOW from “Communication is Crucial”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting
Assuming that we have built a relationship with our children that is based on love, respect, and trust, then, when we parents send a message that tells how we feel, it will probably lead to better communication, understanding, and ultimately peace and cooperation. When there are problems between us and our children, the first step should be to determine who is bothered by the situation. For example: Your four-year old son may be whizzing around the kitchen pretending to be a race car driver while you’re trying to cook dinner. He is perfectly happy. He is not bothered at all. You are the one who is bothered or annoyed. If it is we parents who are bothered, then we should send a message that tells how we feel. This has been called an "I message" because it tells how the bothered parent feels. An “I message” should consist of three parts and they can be in any order. These parts are “When you”, “I feel”, and “because”. Let’s look at an example: Your eight-year old daughter is playing with dolls in the living room. You have asked her several times to pick them up and she just keeps on playing. It would be very easy for you say something like, “Put away the dolls NOW or else!” or “You are a BAD girl.” There are several problems with these approaches. First, it is easy to get into a power struggle and that can be a no-win situation regardless of the ages of our children. Another reason this is not a good idea is that threatening our children can lead to intense anger and even abuse on our parts. Also, insults that go to the core of our children will surely damage their self-esteem. In addition to those reasons, we will probably lose the respect and trust that we need to keep the relationship close with our children for the long term. So, how can we parents use the “I message” approach? If your five-year old son is playing with blocks and is ignoring your requests to put them away, instead of yelling or insulting him, you could say something like: "When you don’t put the blocks away when I ask you to, I feel mad because my friends are coming soon and I want my friends to see our house cleaned up." or "I feel angry when you keep playing because your Grandmother and Grandfather are due here very soon and I don't want them tripping over your blocks." Another example of parents using an "I message", this time with a pre-adolescent, would be something like this: The child stays out past dark and is late for dinner. The mother could say something like, "When you stay out past dark, I feel worried because so many young girls are being attacked these days." When we explain our reasons to our children and we show them that we give them credit for being able to understand, they are more likely to cooperate. Screaming and yelling probably would not have helped in these examples nor will they help to prevent other incidents. It also would have damaged the respect and trust in the relationship. Sending “I messages” works especially well when children are at the ages when children usually try to please their parents. That generally is from about three and to somewhere around twelve to thirteen for boys and eleven to twelve for girls. The tumultuous teenage years are part of a normal developmental stage and teens must negotiate them in order to grow into well-adjusted adults. Of course, each teenager is unique and some have a greater need for independence than others. Some seem to remain “parent pleasers” well into their teen years. However, when our children become bona fide teens, their need to make up their own minds and go “counter culture” usually becomes evident. Although the love, respect, and trust between parent and teen are still there, (albeit seemingly submerged for the time being) the need to rebel can, at times, be overwhelming. So, when a parent sends an “I message”, it may have a paradoxical effect because we have “shown our hands”. When we parents reveal to them what would please us, they are likely to do just the opposite. Therefore, “I messages” may or may not be effective with our teenagers. It is curious, but predictable that when our children finally pass through the stormy adolescent years and emerge once again to be the loving and respectful people we raised them to be, “I messages” will be an effective way for us to communicate with each other. Thank goodness!!! The bonus is that because we have modeled “I messages” for them, our children will be more skilled communicators in their adult world. If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting. |
