Article # 12

based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Communication is Important

STEP TWO: BEING A GOOD RECEIVER OF MESSAGES

from “Communication is Crucial”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

When parents are the receivers of messages or, in the case of verbal communication, the listeners, whether we are communicating with our children or with other adults, there are several skills we must implement.

The first of these skills is showing that we are paying attention. When our children are trying to tell us something, we should stop as soon as possible, get at the same height, and make eye contact. We should look into their faces. This shows our children that we are interested and that we are paying attention. It is tempting in this world of “multi-tasking” to continue what we were doing and say something like, “Go ahead, dear, I’m listening.” Perhaps we are, but it sure won’t seem like it to our children! If we parents take the time to give 100% attention, beginning with eye contact, not only will we get more effective communication, it will take less time in the long run.

We need to let our children know that we are interested in what they are saying by focusing on the content of their messages. Even though our thoughts may be wandering and we may want to share a thought that pops into our consciousness, it’s best to remain with whatever our children are saying. Otherwise, we’re sending the message that our ideas are more important than theirs or even that their ideas don’t matter at all.

Another way we convey the idea that their ideas don’t matter, is to turn the spotlight on ourselves, which could be called, “me tooing”. People tell us something that happened to them and we divert the conversation with a story about our similar experience. As encouraging and responsive listeners, we should persuade them to keep sharing. Instead, we go on and on about something similar that happened to us. For example:

Your best friend comes to you and excitedly starts relating a story about her recent trip to the beach. No sooner has she mentioned “Myrtle Beach”, than you start in with, “Oh, I’ve been to Myrtle Beach. I think it was about three years ago and Laura’s mother and her sister and the kids came and…” Before you know it, you have taken over the conversation and your friend is silent, her story squashed by your “me tooing”.

It’s easy to do, but it is not good communicating. It’s natural to be reminded of something in our lives, but we should be strong enough to keep those thoughts inside our own heads until a more appropriate time. On occasion, after other persons have finished telling their stories, we might choose to let them know something like that happened to us because it might be comforting to them. Remember, though, good listeners focus on the persons talking.

When our children are talking to us, they need to know that we are tuned-in to them. Total silence is a conversation stopper. So, here we can take a cue from counselors by saying, “Uh huh” or “I see” every once in a while so that our children will continue talking. We shouldn’t say it loudly or in a way that interrupts their thinking. It’s a quiet way of encouraging. Also, we shouldn’t say it very often or it will make us sound like a programmed parrot and it too will stop the conversation. This requires skill, but it is effective.

Sometimes children’s stories go ‘round and ‘round and are hard to follow. Sometimes children’s pronouns like “he”, “she”, “his”, or “hers” get all twisted up. So, at times, it’s a good idea to check and make sure you comprehend what they’re saying. One way to do this is to summarize. We state what we understand has been said to that point.

For instance, if your child is telling you about something that happened on the playground at school today, you might summarize by saying, “So, you and David were playing ball and Ryan came over and grabbed the ball out of David’s hand.” If you’re right, your child will tell you so. If you’re not, your child is sure to correct you. That helps you be sure you’re on track. It lets your child knows you’ve been listening and that you understand. It encourages your child to continue.

Clarifying is similar, but slightly different from summarizing. In clarifying, we ask a question when we’re confused about a certain point and want to be sure we understand. It can occur the midst of a story or at the conclusion.

For example, in the story from the paragraph on summarizing, you might not be sure whether it was Ryan or David who took the ball. So you say, “Wait a minute, I’m confused. Was it Ryan or David who took the ball?” Your child will clear up the confusion and then will most likely go on eagerly with the story. You indicated to your child you are interested, plus it’s more likely that you have gotten the story straight.

Finally, we parents should be sure that we use good non-verbal messages, also known as body language. The way our bodies look and move should match the messages we’re sending. We should get down at our children’s height, lean slightly toward them, keep our arms uncrossed, nod our heads gently once in a while, smile, and touch our children (if it seems comfortable to both of us/ the situation) using an arm around the shoulders, a pat, or a hug. Other body positions or movements may convey different or mixed messages.

These sound like simple suggestions, and they are. However, they are not simple to implement skillfully. We parents should practice everyday with everyone we encounter, especially with our children. The effort we exert will pay big dividends in the way our children and we communicate today and in their future lives.

If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.