Article # 11

based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Communication is Important

STEP ONE: BEING A GOOD SENDER OF MESAGES

from “Communication is Crucial”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

Think about the communications between you and your children in the past week. Was the talk friendly, angry, understanding, effective, or confusing? Maybe you didn’t even talk to them! Do you wish things could be better around your home? Did poor communication ever cause something to happen that made you feel frustrated or confused? Have you ever heard something like one of these in your home? “I heard my sister tell her friend that I was stupid and it really hurt my feelings.” “I told Mom I had basketball practice Tuesday afternoon. She thought I said it was on Thursday so she got all upset when I didn’t come home on the bus on Tuesday” “My teenage son and I just don’t communicate well. We never have. Now I’m worried he might be into drugs.”

Communication is important in families for many reasons. Mutual trust and respect are strengthened. Good communication helps each member of the family feel more confident. It makes it less likely that conflicts will occur and easier to avoid the chaos and arguments that are caused by poor communication.

It is important to develop a framework for discussion with our children when they are young. We should then use and teach our children good communication skills as they grow. It is especially important that lines of communication are open during the teenage years when we want our children turn to us parents when problems might occur with education, the law, peers, drugs, or sex. Our children will also need these communication skills outside of our homes and in adulthood.

There are many ways people communicate depending on cultural context and each the specific personalities in each family, but no matter how we choose to communicate with our children, we should keep three goals in mind. We should:

exchange messages accurately with our children.

help our children feel valued and respected.

help our children develop into happy and successful adults.

None of us will ever be perfect parents, but we can all improve. One way to improve is to deliberately focus on our own communication skills. Then we need to have patience as we teach those skills to our children. . The first skill we must have as good communicators is to send messages effectively. When you are the person talking or sending the message, there are several things to do. Here are six of the most important:

1. Choose a time to talk when there are few distractions. Often we try to talk to our children when the television is on, the stereo is too loud, other children are talking, and who-knows-what else is going on. We need to create a quieter setting or wait until later.

2. Make sure you have your child’s attention. Children often have trouble tuning in. They may be paying attention to everything but us. First, try calling the child’s name. If that doesn’t work, gently touch the child on the shoulder or gently lifts the child’s chin until you make eye contact. It’s best to not even start sending a message until you are sure you have your child’s attention. It’s possible that the child honestly might not hear you. Maybe the child hears you but acts as if he/she didn’t. You can bet at some point, your child will say, “I didn’t hear you tell me to do that!”

3. Say exactly what you mean. Use words that fit what you’re trying to say. Don’t exaggerate. Avoid sarcasm. Be as clear as you can, especially if you are giving directions.

4. Speak clearly. It’s amazing how often we adults mumble when we are talking to our children and then wonder why they don’t understand what we have said! We need to be sure that our hands are away from our mouths and that we pronounce each word clearly. If we don’t, we can’t expect our children to understand what we have said.

5. Use an appropriate tone of voice. Your tone of voice should fit your mood and your meaning. If you are truly angry, your voice should sound angry. If you are just teasing, your voice should sound like you are teasing. If the tone of your voice doesn’t match your words, you’ll be sending a mixed message and that’s confusing.

6. Be sure your message has been understood. Often we parents tell our children something and we believe they heard us, understood us, and will do what we have asked. But, it’s easy for a breakdown to happen. So, we should make sure our message has been received. When our children are little, we can say things like, “Now, where did Mommy tell you to put your doll?” When they are older, we can find less childish ways such as, “Let’s see, I want to be sure we’re together on this…where and when are we meeting?” One other way to handle this with teens is to put the responsibility on ourselves by saying something like, “I’m not sure I made that clear. Can you tell me what you think I said?”

Communication with our children is important…regardless of their age and it is up to us as parents to model and teach these skills to our children. So, starting right now, won’t you make a commitment to focus on skilled, accurate, and positive communication with your children? It starts with us parents sending our messages clearly and effectively. Give it a try! It really is crucial to the successful parent you want to be.

If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.