Article # 10

based on the interview with Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed. on “Raising Your Kids”

Aired on WXII-12

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

HELP YOUR CHILDREN TO FEEL LOVABLE AND CAPABLE AND CATCH THEM BEING GOOD

from “Self Esteem is the Key”, Part One of the video-based parenting program, Successful Parenting

We parents often say or do things that make our children feel unwanted or as if they are a burden to us. There are an abundance of comedians such as Dana Carvey or George Carlin who share hilarious tales based on the trials and tribulations of parenthood. We laugh because we know it’s true: parenting is hard work and there are countless times when we’d rather scrub the bathroom floor than deal with our children. It is definitely not all sunshine and daffodils! Do we parents ever think about what it would have been like if we had not had our children? Of course we do. We dream about how we’d have bank accounts to rival Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey and how we’d be a corporate genius like Sam Walton. We imagine we’d probably live in the Biltmore House, set our table with Lenox china and Waterford crystal, drive a Lexus or even a Lamborghini, and be adorned by a new spring wardrobe straight out of the pages of Vogue. We might even contemplate the hours, days, or possibly weeks we could glide down the silver slopes of Colorado or cruise the sparkling Caribbean. But, when we contemplate the big picture…..when we remember all the indescribable joys our children have brought us, all the pride we have felt in them, all the just plain fun we have had being with them and watching them grow, we know that we wouldn’t trade parenthood for anything.

Sometimes at one of our more frustrated, angry, or depressed moments, however, we might be inclined to spew out something like, “If it weren’t for you, I’d be decked in diamonds!”, “Without you, what a happy life I would have!” , or “I wish I had never given birth to you!” Regardless of the temptation to let such thoughts come out of our mouths, we absolutely must not say them or even give our children these impressions. We know that, for all the tough times with them, we can’t imagine life without them. They need to know that too.

So, we need to let our children know that they are precious to us. We can express that to them verbally or we can demonstrate it to them by setting aside time just for them. We can snuggle, talk, read, play games, or go places together, depending on the age and interests of our children. We need to reserve time to enjoy our children while they are still living with us and to make it eminently clear to them that we are thrilled to have them in our lives. We need to let them know that they are truly easy to love, that we feel blessed to have them, and that our life really is better because they are in it.

We also need to let our children know that they are capable. Sometimes our words and our actions show that we don’t have confidence in them. We tell them, “You’re too little or too young to do it.” Because we’re impatient, we do things for them that they could do for themselves. We need to let them know that they are competent by what we do and what we say. If we trust our children to accomplish tasks, they’ll see that we have confidence in them. If we reinforce that by saying statements like,

“You sure are good at that!”,

“I have faith in you!”,

“I didn’t know you could do that!”,

“I thought only ____ (insert a grade above their current one) graders could do that!”,

“Wow! You’re only ____years old and you can ____? I am impressed”,

They’ll believe they can handle the challenges of their worlds.

From the time our children are toddlers, we, as parents, get used to reprimanding them when they’re behaving badly. We correct them saying, “Don’t touch that!” , “Quit throwing the ball!” , and “Stop playing and do your chores!”. We hassle, criticize, and nag over and over and over again. It’s unfair to them and it’s certainly not pleasant for either of us.

The big problem is that, more often than not, during the time they are behaving, we simply ignore them. They get little of our attention. We just coast until…..bang! They do something else wrong and we’re right there correcting them. We hardly ever miss an opportunity to reprimand. But we miss many opportunities to commend. We need to shift our perspective. Instead of noticing only the things our children say and do that are wrong, we should focus on the things they say and do that are right! We need to tell ourselves repeatedly, “My children do many more right things than wrong.”

Once we change our mindset, we should be sure to let our children know that we have noticed all their positive actions and words. We can do that by complimenting them verbally, patting them on the back, giving them the “thumbs up” sign, leaving them a note, putting a gold star on a chart, or whatever technique works for your child. “Catching our children being good” builds self-esteem in them and it gives us a much more positive attitude about our role as their parents. Once we make the transition and establish the habit, it will flow as easily as maple syrup down a stack of steaming pancakes. Our children will grow in confidence and will proudly say, “I’m glad I’m me!”

NOTE: Barbara-Lynn will be joining Chris and Kimberly every Wednesday morning at 6:30 on WXII-12 for “Raising Your Kids”.

If you have comments, questions, or would like to share your best parenting practices with reference to our topic, please e-mail Barbara-Lynn at blt@successfulparenting.